I'm a renegade I always was

What people don’t realize is how long the tiniest thing they say can play on someone’s mind. I get the smallest comment like “you’re annoying” or “nobody cares” and it can stay on my mind for months, you know why? Because I grew up being told that by almost everyone I met. I felt like I didn’t deserve to exist because of what these people said, and I never even done anything wrong. They have no idea what I’ve been through, they have no idea how many nights I’ve sat alone and cried, they don’t know how many times I’ve just wanted to end it all, and that’s what bothers me the most, they don’t know anything about me and they STILL make comments. I get people being nasty to me because I’m so obsessed with paramore, but how would they know the effect paramore has had on my life? Maybe they saved my life or remind me of a loved one I lost. Fair enough people have their opinions, but do they have the fucking right to say them in such a harsh way? Since my first year of school I had at least one person a day tell me I’m worthless, an emo, ugly, horrible or should kill myself. And when I finally left school I thought I’d escaped it all, that’s why I can get so upset over the tiniest remark now. I may have done bad things in the past, but that’s years ago. Since then I’ve NEVER done ANYTHING wrong to ANYONE, and I still get people hating me for absolutely NO reason. I try to get through life everyday, just being myself, doing what I want and NEVER hurting or standing in the way of others. Why do I still get treated like a fucking criminal? People make me feel like a horrible person, a nasty person and I end up feeling insecure leaving my house, and I didn’t do anything to deserve it! And what makes it worse is all my problems at home and the fact that I cant have the ONE thing I wish for to make me feel a little better.. it all just piles up and it makes me just want to SCREAM all my problems and the effect they have on me in all of those bitches faces. But then I’d get even more of a bad name for it. I have some minor problems with my anger and it’s caused me to freak out in public and people call me an over reactive or melodramatic bitch.. How the fuck do they know? I’ve never even spoke to them before! So what gives them the right to judge my life? I don’t judge theirs!

These small comments shouldn’t get to me but they really do, and what’s worse is that these things have driven people to suicide before, do these people want me dead? Or are they just prejudiced or unable to keep their mouths shut. Sometimes I’ll speak my mind and I get people saying narky comments to it, all I’m trying to do is say how I feel, what I think and my opinions, I don’t insult anyone whilst I’m at it! So Why the fuck is everyone such an arsehole to me? I HATED school so much I was afraid to wake up in the mornings, I was a major target there, EVERYBODY felt the need to laugh at me, make jokes about me, call me an emo, they had no fucking clue what was going on. One time people at school called me an emo, I ignored It all fucking day, I got home and cried all night because my arms were cut up, for many reasons including loss of a loved one, possibility of becoming completely broke, an abusive ex threatening to kill me and other major family problems I’d rather keep secret.  I have my good friends sure, but people also target them! They’re all like “why do you hang around with such immature freaks?” and that fucking hurts me. My friends understand me and are there for me and help me through so much, without them I’d probably be long gone. And these assholes that would have been the reason think they have the right to judge my friends on first sight? These days you don’t even have to speak to anyone to be hated. I hate it. People spread rumours about me, bitch about me, threaten me and say horrible things to me and I don’t even know why! Rumours maybe because they cant handle the fact that they don’t know anything about my life! Not even my closest friends know all the problems going on in my life!

Well here’s a few facts you haters don’t know about me.

-         - I sing, and it’s my favourite thing to do, ever

-        - I write songs and have a total of about 90 written so far, many about you haters!

-        -  That smile have everyday? Yeah that’s fake, and it would be real if it weren’t for you.

-      -    I’m just trying to live my life, I may seem happy but I’m not, and you’re making it worse

-        -  I’ve talked several people I don’t even know out of suicide because of people like you

-      -    I spent my whole school life not answering back to you, when really I was prepared to smash all of your concrete faces together and you’re lucky my anger didn’t get to me!

-        -  You have no idea how many times I had to tense every single muscle to hold back tears.

So hopefully anyone who’s thinking of hurting me, or anyone else will think in the future. I have been through so much more than ANYBODY knows, even my closest friends. Even if it’s a small comment, think about it. It can push someone over the edge, and you’d be to blame. No matter what anyone says to me, I’m the bigger person because I’ve always just sat back and taken the beating or harsh words, I never did anything about it, I’m better than you. I always will be.

You don’t know my life.

You don’t know the real me.